23 Lessons at 23

1. Learn how to think in bets.
Adopt the practice of separating luck from skill, and learn when to attribute outcomes in life to each of those buckets. Understand that unfavorable outcomes don't mean that you failed, but rather maybe that you fell into the majority chance of a poor result. Even when life outcomes are favorable, practice introspection, self reflection, and understand the right decisions that were made to reach a success, but not without associating such result with a touch of luck. (Associated reading: "Thinking in Bets" by Annie Duke)

2. In order to have a village, you must be a villager.
Corny line, but it's delightfully true. Show up for others how you would want them to show up for you. I think an unrealistic expectation to have in the relationships you form, especially now as a 20-something, would be to be ever-absent from the lives of the people you value and expect them to be ever-present in yours.

3. Stop keeping score.
It's part of human nature to be naturally competitive with one another, as it's exactly how society has advanced itself to the point we are at today. Ask anyone if they would rather have 100,000 in the year 2026 or 100,000 in the year 1900, and most people would opt for the latter off of the basis that it would be worth significantly more, or that they'd be considered richer than the richest in the time period. What gets glazed over is the fact that living in 1900 would be giving up a proper fridge, running water, modern medicine, and overall a lower quality of life. It's factors that many don't consider in such a trivial hypothetical, but our automatic decisioning is to sacrifice an average life today for the ability to have a stronger advantage over others a century ago. I find it to be a slightly unforgiving part of human nature. The most dangerous illusion of competitive thinking is that the game is zero-sum. If you win, someone must lose. If someone rises, another must fall. This framing is interesting because it is occasionally true: there is only one corner office, only one first place. But, it blinds us to the vast majority of humanity where the opposite holds: where teaching someone else sharpens your own thinking, where generosity tends to return in forms you never anticipated. You should still aim to be the best you can be, but I think the idea is to reframe our mindset for ambition over competition.

4. Practice mental flexibility.
Flexibility in the body and muscles is important too, but nobody seems to touch much on how important flexibility in the mind is. Granted, I learned about flexibility in the mind from an episode of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, but Miss Abby makes a great point: lacking flexibility in the mind will close off opportunities and limit the things you will be able to accomplish in your lifetime.

5. Be the camera friend.
Don't be afraid to snap away at pictures of you, your family, your friends, your community, and your world around you. Remember how much you love to look at the family albums and how one day your children may have the same feeling.

6. There's value in slowing down (and knowing when to break).
When I think about my upbringing in my small Southern California suburb, I think about the pace of life that I was raised in versus the pace of life I've thrust myself into now working in tech in San Francisco. I traded pin-drop silent streets and unhurried days and nights for a city that glamorizes the modern workaholic (and lives and talks and eats and breathes and sleeps AI… but that's a different conversation). Not to say life has been easy, but at times I felt like I was playing catch up to my peers who equivocally were (or gave the impression of being) more prepared for adulthood. In line with point 3, I find part of my motivation in challenging myself and in working hard by observing the ambition of those around me. The other part tends to stem from playing an internal game of proving to myself that I have what it takes to get where I want to be on my own. Admittedly, this way of living and thinking pushed me to my limits and led to heavy bouts of burnout, making the real learning understanding when to take a breath. As I write this, I'm sitting at home with a broken ankle (haha), practically forced to finally take a step back after a few months of being in a slightly-frantic, anxious state about an accumulation of topics in my life. Being on this break has given me the most clarity I have felt in quite some time. I'm also learning to take my earphones out and let the sound of silence reenergize me, and to not take for granted the times that I do leave San Francisco for home.

7. Surround yourself with the right people.
At this age, there is still enormous agency over who gets someone's time and energy. In the past year, I have formed some of the most meaningful connections, bonded by factors that to some extent were not in my control (such as geography & career), but I truly believe that no matter where I go, there's a wealth of choice in who I choose to spend time with.

8. Decenter perception.
This lesson is a hard one that to this day still remains a big personal hurdle to jump. As a young girl, at times I felt like small interactions were social high stakes. I'd consider myself to be the naturally shy type, and to put things quite bluntly, I always just cared a lot about how others viewed me. I think I still care a little too much about how others see me. One thing I wish I could tell my younger self is that the tradeoff for caring too much about things that do not matter is never giving yourself the opportunity to fully develop your individuality.

9. Trust your gut, literally.
I'm not sure if it's just me, but my life-long anxiety has been ruled by a specific symptom in particular— that sinking gut feeling has always signaled to me when something isn't quite right. I maybe haven't learned to overcome it, but I have learned to trust it.

10. Never sell yourself short.
In a job interview, you have to sell yourself and your accomplishments to convince others that you are the best pick for the job. This continues to be true in the workplace— keep track of your accomplishments, take ownership for milestones and don't be afraid to shout yourself out. It's true in other aspects of life, too. I like to remind myself of how far I've come in just 23 years and be a little proud of myself.

11. Take care of your body (because you only get one).
As I've mentioned, I'm spending this birthday knee-deep in a boot for my broken ankle. It's my first time dealing with a serious physical injury that has stopped me from doing the activities I enjoy; it's taught me the importance of taking care of your body because I simply do not have the capacity to deal with something like this ever again. Eat well, nourish your body, and treat it as if it cannot be replaced (because it can't).

12. Put in effort to be articulate.
Communication skills are undoubtedly important in many, if not all, aspects of life. It's crucial in relationships, work, and in day-to-day life as we know it. There's value in being able to precisely pick the right words to express what you're thinking. Expanding your vernacular is, in my opinion, a quantity over quality play. It comes from regularly reading, writing, listening, and communicating effectively and making an effort to improve each of these skills each day. It doesn't mean reading academic journals daily, it can mean reading poetry, listening to a podcast, watching a movie. Diversity in consumption is crucial.

13. Sometimes done is better than perfect.
This is a piece of advice I received from a former manager re: working on large projects on tight timelines, but I find it to be a sound recommendation for the recurring feeling of being overwhelmed.

14. You can choose between silver and gold, and sometimes they can go together ♡.
One of the forks in the road of a girl's path to womanhood is deciding whether or not they'd prefer silver or gold jewelry. I'm here to report that it's actually not that serious, and you can definitely own and wear and look great in both. I think some people might think of this as more of a metaphor for being noncommittal but my words are literal here :)

15. There's no place like home.
I remember having a conversation with a close friend from college and telling them about moving to San Francisco. Their first thought was to tell me to avoid the beach at all costs, that beaches in this city were only beaches by scientific definition and nothing else. But when it hits 70 degrees Fahrenheit and the UV surpasses 5 and the wind doesn't blow and the sun is bright enough to hit the water at exactly the right angle… then it might be passable. I'm only half joking, but I think my heart will always partially live in Southern California, no matter how far I get from the PCH.

16. Treasure family time.
Hand in hand with my last point. I'd honestly say this is one of the lessons I never had to do much learning to understand. I was born into a family with strong ties and the foundational belief that blood is thicker than water. As I've grown up and moved away from home, I realize how lucky I am to have had strong roots in my hometown and an automatic, built-in community with my family so close by. My upbringing was so heavily incubated by a special type of love that I don't think can often be replicated by friendships or by a romantic partner.

17. Don't forget to water your plants.
Check the color of the leaves, the dryness of the soil, the firmness of the stems. Not all plants can be treated the same.

18. Celebrity Shot!
At this point, it's taken me roughly 3 weeks to think of 23 large ideas that I've scoped in my life as a 23 year old. I'm not quite sure if it's that I have too many ideas to be generalized into 23 different buckets, or I've lived so little of my life so far to even feel like I've learned 23 large things. Lacking inspiration to finish this memo, I surveyed a few individuals for their input. Here are a few of my favorites:

i. Everything in life happens for a reason because everything in your life will work out in your favor (maybe less of a lesson and more of a mantra, but still helpful nonetheless)

ii. The world cannot be handed to you on a plate. To some extent you will have to meet the universe halfway with your own effort.

iii. We give ourselves more benefit of the doubt than other people— we judge ourselves on intention and everyone else on action.

19. All you have is yourself.
In the last year, I've challenged myself to be more selfish. I've learned that at this age, it's in my best interest to put myself first. I'm lucky enough to be in a position to do so.

20. Place no budget on once in a lifetime experiences.
Opportunities present themselves at random times, and they may not ever again, so don't be afraid to spend money on experiences you've always wanted to have.

21. Smile lots :).
It takes 10 muscles to smile and 50 muscles to frown. I've been called out by colleagues, managers, even senior leaders at work for having a big, cheesy, smile on my face (maybe at the wrong time) but I'd like to think that they remember me for being cheery and showing up with a positive attitude. It's hard to be put down when you have a big smile on your face, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

22. You're only 23 once!
I have the voice of my dear friend echoing in the back of my mind as I write this, reminded of all the times she's convinced me on a night out with this one line. Writing this on my last day of 23 and thinking about how we'll have to upgrade this phrase to "you're only 24 once!", I've come to realize that…

23. You'll never be this young ever again.
A lot of 20-somethings dread the tick of each year, myself included. What has helped me get over the fear is realizing where I am now is not anywhere close to where I might be in a year or two. Make good choices, be smart, but have fun (and don't be afraid to take a risk!)

Happy birthday to me. 24!